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An emotionally Crushing Day in the Cancer Journey
One emotionally Crushing Day in the Cancer Journey

The problem about kidney cancer that no one tells you is that even when you have your kidney removed, you are plagued with fatigue. Added to other health issues meant fatigue was so real it hurt!

Kidney Cancer
Kidney Cancer

the lonesome part of this is loved ones have no idea how it affects you, not even with the best will in the world.

Almost two years since my journey started and here and there i have my hopeful days, the days where i feel almost like myself, so much so i forget all my issues, pain, and the dreaded fatigue!

Yesterday was one of those days! I went to church for the First time in a long long while( since all the craziness) and thought – I know, after here I can take my 7 year old to a Portuguese Delicatessen and buy a few things we both enjoy! When we got home I quickly did a little something for her to eat, and later made a traditional Portuguese dish – Bacalhau a Lagareiro, a favourite of mine! Days like this fuel me with hope, that everything was just a bad dream and life can be effortless again!

Now comes the dreaded part – I  was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open until 21.00 and on the following day was payday! I was so exhausted that getting out of bed was a battle on its own right, at 14.10 after getting my tiny one in bed for her nap I settled on the sofa to nap for a little bit, but tiny one only settled at 14.50 so I could not really fully drift off and at three o’clock I had to get up, shower and go get my 7 year old from school!

I was so emotional and fed up with feeling fatigued with no energy that I cried in the shower, which was not too bad, after all no one could see it and the water washes all our tears away! You see the biggest frustration felt like a heart break, when will i feel like myself again? This has lasted so long! I did not want to ask my husband as I am oh so aware of all the things he does that I cannot on a daily basis, that I find myself doing all I can, through pain and fatigue to at least do something.

I made it out of the door, my new shower practice is a jet of cold water at the end of the shower in the hopes it would reset my hormones, energy, emotions… Not sure I can credit it with much at this point but I feel some sort of difference.

Anyway, I digressed, I was out of the door and made it to her school on the nick of time, grateful her class takes ages to come out and as i was waiting, keeping my head down to avoid the usual conversations – someone asked me how i was. As I answered – Not a good day today, I felt fatigued and think I might have overdone it today!

Suddenly, there in the middle of the playground my tears started flooding! I am not one for public displays of emotion aside from hugs and laughter, I can be there for others – as a nurse, a hat i cannot switch off but i like to keep my deepest emotions to myself. So i felt a slight relief for crying but a bit humiliated by the display.

Most days I am good at looking for the silver line, keeping the hope, looking at the bright side, but today it has been a lot harder!

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